Narcissistic Abuse and Cancer: Is there a connection?

Just six months before my cancer diagnosis, I told my ex I wanted a divorce. 

It would not be the first time I told him this. However, this time I meant it. Really meant it. My life was going to change for the better and I was going to have a chance to start anew for myself and for my boys.

I spent eighteen years of my life with this person and somewhere along the way, I lost myself completely. It was not until we were in COVID-lockdown that I knew I could not and would not survive if I did not leave him.

For nearly two decades, I watched his behavior and wondered to myself if he knew he was a pathological liar. Things that no one would ever care about, he would lie about; he made up stories that were simply not true. I started paying attention to these lies, noticing they were all to make himself look better, smarter, manlier…anything that would help him gain more attention from family, friends, or strangers alike. At first I would question him after hearing him describe something that I knew never happened only to be told it did happen, and no matter how I challenged his story, he insisted I was crazy and he was right. It became very noticeable when my younger boys would call him out, not knowing it would enrage him. They were simply young enough to speak up when someone said something wrong, not knowing there could be a negative consequence. I watched him berate them or even humiliate them when they did this in front of other people. By then I had learned that if I were to call him out, it had to be at home with no witnesses. If he was confronted in public, his go-to move would be to make fun of me or point out something negative about me so he felt superior. Superior. In a partnership.

I grew tired of always pointing out his “strange” behavior and even more tired of the explosive fights when I refused to back down on something he did or said that was mean or a lie. If there were a situation when he would lose his composure in front of other people and say insulting or hurtful things to either me or the kids, his comeback was always, “It was a joke. You can’t even take a joke.” Other people were always the butt of his jokes.

When we were on lockdown I had nowhere to escape him–nowhere to hide. My boys were subjected to his authoritarian ways 24/7 and I saw them lose their happy, carefree dispositions right before my eyes. He lacked basic human emotions and did not know, nor understand, what empathy was, and he was always his number one priority. I could not live another ten years like that, I could not live another ten days like that. So, I told him I wanted a divorce. I first tried telling him I wanted a separation: two different houses so that we could see if there was anything worth salvaging. He reacted with anger and refused to leave and said if I wanted a divorce, I needed to get out of the house and find somewhere else to live: “No one is making me leave a place I pay for.”

When I started sharing my story on social media almost three years ago, eager to connect with peers and help them realize the community we could have in each other, I only posted videos about my cancer journey…all the whole knowing there was so much more to my story than cancer. I spent the past three years trying to survive Stage Iv Melanoma and also learning about this man I was married to. I was not going crazy, I was not worthless; he was a narcissist. When I started to learn about narcissistic abuse, everything made sense to me. Everything I used to challenge him on, things he did that I knew were not normal, his obsession with being noticed and fitting in where he simply did not fit in… those things were all huge indicators of his narcissism. Healing from that has been as difficult as fighting cancer. With cancer, I have had surgeries to remove tumors, and treatments to attack the tumors. With a narcissist, the fight never seems to have an ending. His goal, his obsession, is to punish me and he will do it in any way that he can. With our children, with money, with lies, with conceit: “I am no one’s second string!” He sees himself as so perfect that it is unfathomable anyone could want to leave him. Leaving was the best thing I have ever done. I know the environment he created for me, for our family, fed the cancer in my body. Stress was food for the angry monster that was slowly mutating my cells. The stress alone made me feel like I did not want to live.

I fully understand that my cancer diagnosis was not due to another human being. I also understand that living with a narcissistic spouse for almost twenty years gave my cancer the environment it needed to survive and spread.  

Some of the impacts of a narcissistic relationship are; 

• Severely impacting your physical and mental health

• Chronic stress from constant manipulation and abuse causes your body to release cortisol, the stress hormone. High levels of cortisol can lead to numerous health problems.

• Constant stress weakens your immune system, making you more susceptible to colds, flus and other infections.

As much as 90% of illnesses are now believed to be related to trauma and stress (NASD). The constant fight-or-flight response wreaks havoc on your body, leading to chronic health conditions.

I am ready to start sharing my story of healing from narcissistic abuse. So many people live lives just like mine and suffer in silence. The abuse creeps up on you. Before you know it, you feel like you are the crazy one. It is complicated and there is a lot of shame around it. I saw myself as a strong, independent woman, and yet felt so very small and worthless for so long. It was only in leaving that I started to find myself again.